I feel like I am wasting away my life by living other people’s dreams and personal goals. I can’t really do anything about it so I just keep myself locked, aloof and cold. My dreams hidden away, my goals wandering, and my voice unheard. I’ve silence myself from the world. Nobody would listen. Nobody would even bother to ask how I am feeling or if I’m alright. They are living an illusion, assuming I have everything figured out and will figure out all that I need in life. They are wrong. Why do they know about me aside from my name? They know absolutely nothing about the real me. I am a child at heart but am forced to be cold and distant to anyone. Maybe it is my own choice to be who I am at the present. Well, I have my reasons. Maybe it is the result of the world’s negative and quite depressing influence around me. I know and am aware that a child should grow up in a positive environment to fulfill and reach their potential and goals in their lifetime. And I am aware that I didn’t grow up in that perfect environment. Nobody grew up in a “perfect” environment, we all know that, but some seem to have life figured out.
Some have started their stable careers and are settling down and moving on to their next chapters in their lives while I’m stuck in a spiral of wandering dreams, inconsistency, doubt, and existential crisis.
I’m not going to say that my life is horrible for it is not at all. I have a nice quality way of living compare to an average person living in a Third world country. Yet I’m stuck in this spiral of figuring out what I want and what I should be doing in the early prime of my life.
I know I am not the only one feeling this way. There are people experiencing this similar situation and I hope they figure it out just as much as I want to figure mine out.
I’ve taken a wrong degree, a field that I realized i am not satisfied nor happy at all. But what can I do? I make mistakes. If only life has a reset button where I can make up my mistakes. Life is not as simple as an inspiring quote telling people to follow their dreams and be whoever they want to be. It is not how this world runs especially when you live and have been accustomed to urban lifestyle. If only life was as simple as living like an animal in it’s natural habitat then this never ending worrying of life’s superficial goals won’t even matter.
I cannot just drop off my clothes and run around like a wild animal chasing a prey.
Life is very complex and we live in a complicated society where money is a goal you must have. It would a great lie to say money is not important. It is and it will always be in this society. You need money to live a desirable life, that’s just how things are and as much as I want to live a simple life, there are things that we are just molded and taught to accomplish in a certain time and age.
I am young. I have time to figure out this puzzle and put meaning into it. All I have to do right now and tomorrow (which means in a the next few weeks or so) is to try to figure out what I should be doing and how i should be doing things.
I do hope to get unstuck on this rabbit hole. Let me figure out how, time.
Time can be a bastard sometimes but it can be the most generous.